1. Your have an overwhelming number of @ replies. Please don't turn my Twitter stream into a series of context-free replies that only you and one other person understand. If you're gonna use many @ replies, at least provide some context.

2. You're clearly a self-promoter only interested in gaining a bazllion followers so you can say you have said followers.

3. You actually tell me on a regular basis what you're doing now. I don't care that you're having lunch with @namethatwillmakemelookimportant. In fact, I kinda think you're a douchebag for bringing it up.

4. You're, um, just not that interesting. Here's an exercise for you: Go back through the last couple of weeks of your own posts. Ask yourself, 'Would I have found that interesting if I'd read it from someone else?' If the answer is no, you may want to think about taking the personality in for the 32-point checkup at Jiffy Lube.

[Note: I know it's 'tweet,' not 'post,' but face it--'tweet' is a ridiculous term. I don't like it. At all. I'll call it a 'post' if I damn well please.]

5. It's obvious you found me through an auto-follow program.

Hypothetical example: Suppose I just happen to use the word 'trebuchet' in a post, and the next thing I know I'm being followed by 42 year old Gus from Decatur, Illinois who is an expert in all things related to Dungeons and Dragons. Old Gus decided he'd just run himself a little auto-follow program, and it triggered when I was flexing my linguistic muscles by writing, 'It's like he's slinging 13 day old leftovers with a trebuchet onto his neighbor's backyard picnic table.'

So Gus gets all wound up because, hey, 'Here's someone new to follow who may share my deep love [read: creepy obsession] of fantasy role playing. Maybe he'll even have a thing for scantily clad and incredibly lithe female dark elves.'

Sorry, Gus. Dark elves don't do it for me. Move along. I'm not following you back.

 

Not quite sure why I landed on the subject of funerals today--particularly not my funeral. It was quite a great day all around. But land there I did, and that led to thinking about which songs I'd like played at my funeral. I want my funeral to be a celebration, not a sad affair, and my song choice reflects that.

Chime in with your choices in the comments. I'd love to look over your shoulder to see what you pick.

1. 'I'm Too Sexy' by Right Said Fred

My ghost is haunting anyone who doesn't at least smile when this one plays.

2. 'Danger Zone' by Kenny Loggins.

I confess this one may be a little too over the top. Depending on how I head to the Great Unknown, I concede authority to nix this one to those planning the ceremony.

3. 'Closer' by Kings of Leon

This is a bit of a slow song, which might make people unduly sad. However, it's a song about a vampire. In the context of a funeral, that's quality humor.

4. 'I'm on a Boat' by the Lonely Island

Little Known Fact: This song is actually a metaphor for the experience of heaven.

5. 'Reach for the Sun' by the Polyphonic Spree

Letting myself get a little sentimental here, but I think this would be a darn fine song to play at the end.

Songs I Rejected for Inclusion:

1. 'Stairway to Heaven' by Led Zepplin

Too slow. Too long. Sorry Rob. You have the best rock voice of all time, but you need to trim the song back by about 4 or 5 minutes.

2. 'Higher' by Creed

No.

3. 'Ride the Lightning' by Metallica

Are you freaking crazy? That's SICK! How dare you suggest this be played at a funeral?

4. 'Bring Me to Life' by Evanescence

Tempting, but no. Seriously . . . VERY tempting.

5. 'Closing Time' by Semisonic

Great song, but it's probably a bit overdone at funerals already.

Ducks eat free at Subway.

I found myself watching Madden Nation yesterday. Not familiar with it?
It's an ESPN reality show with several guys traveling to various
cities to compete in head to head Madden Football games on the XBox
360.

 If you're thinking, 'That sounds like absolutely riveting television,'
you would be exactly not-even-close-to-correct.

 But occasionally, I'm in the mood to watch a train wreck, so watch I
did. Annnd I jotted down a few notes. Here are the high points:

 1. Two guys getting ready to play each other Took. Time. To. Stretch.
before the game. Yes, they did.

 2. Quote from one of the stretchers when he went up by 2 touchdowns:
'I'm feeling good. My stick work is phenomenal.' Of course it is.

 3. Each week, someone gets voted off or kicked off or leaves. Not sure
how that works. Didn't watch long enough.

 But it saddens me greatly that most of these guys gave up promising
careers with Best Buy and Radio Shack to participate in this, only to
have their dreams of a championship dashed by another player's
phenomenal stick work.

 4. Jeff Garcia made a cameo. Played a pick up game with one of the
players. Garcia described him as having a 'calm before the storm
personality.' I'm pretty sure Garcia meant either the guy seemed
incredibly stoned or had the personality of a dead chicken. Maybe
both. But I could be wrong.

 5. Calm-Before-the-Storm Guy had a ballcap on backwards. The back
(facing front) said 'The Truth.' The front (facing back) said 'The
Corporation.'

 I wondered for several minutes about what this statement could mean . . .

 The Truth . . . But it's facing the wrong way . . . Is he making a
statement about his rejection of epistimological foundationalism?
Maybe his support of Robert Nozick's 'View from Nowhere'? Maybe even a
rejection of the Law of Noncontradiction?

 And The Corporation . . . On the front of the cap but facing backwards
. . . Is this a commentary on the lack of awareness of Corporate
America vis a vis the working class? Perhaps a prediction about the
future efficacy of Corporate America in the face of Thomas Friedman's
Flat World?

 And what about The Truth and The Corporation set on opposing ends of
the cap? Are the two antithetical in Calm-Before-The-Storm Guy's mind?
Is he is possibly pointing out that the truth hides from the view of
the corporation or that the corporation by its very nature attempts to
hide from the truth?

 Or perhaps . . . just maybe . . . he's a video game junkie who just
kinda liked the hat precisely because he had no idea what the hell it
meant, but it seemed kinda cool. I won't be tuning in next week to
find out.

via GraphJam.com

One of my neighbors has a drives-me-up-the-freaking-wall plate on the front of his car.

'The Original 3 [a la Dale Earnhardt]: The Father, Son and Holy Ghost.'

Two words: Classy

Greg Horton (@expastor) weighs in on Derek Webb's new single 'What Matters More.'

http://su.pr/8Xf37r

How to Use Magical Creatures http://su.pr/1BVu9a (via @Cracked)

Taylor Swift's new single makes me want to French kiss a light socket. Hard time buying she was EVER the frumpy girl in the song.

Watching 'NYC Prep' for the first time. I want to stab my eyes out.